For as long as I can remember, I knew I wanted to be a mom. I knew I wanted the family, the soccer games - the goals of mommy and me outfits. In my 20s, I would pour my all into my role as an Aunt. I would take pride is being the best Auntie that I could be to my many nieces and nephews. By the time that I married my husband, I knew that I was ready - or so I thought.
If you read my article After Every Storm Comes a Rainbow, you’ll know that my entry into motherhood was tough to say the least. After suffering the loss of the first pregnancy, I became that much more laser focused on becoming a mom.
I didn’t know it at the time but suffering that loss caused a pronounce shift in how I viewed the world and ultimately how I mothered in those first 12 months after the birth of my son. I was broken, walking on pins and needles trying to “get it all right”. There was this internal voice that subconsciously drove everything I did in my daily caring for my son. I was going to do everything in my power to be the best mother. And honestly I think it’s normal to have this perspective, I mean we all strive to be the best mother for our children - except, in my case, what was driving me was pain. The pain of experiencing the loss of the first pregnancy and holding tight to any grip of control I could to stay as far away from that level of loss again.
Carrying the weight of that into motherhood is enough in itself, but add to that, that becoming a mother will force you to face all the unresolved traumas that you have tucked away neatly - never to be felt or discussed again. For me that meant being confronted with addressing my anxiety. Being a mother meant accepting the fact that often times things would be out of my control, even with the best laid plans.
I could certainly spend a wealth of time diving into every detail about my transition to motherhood but I wanted to offer some tools that specifically helped lighten the mental load for me.
Be patient with yourself.
I started my healing journey in this space by first being patient with myself. I was a new mom and that meant I wasn’t going to know everything that a seasoned mother would about mothering but understanding that I was the best darn momma there could ever be for my precious boy. I learned to extend myself grace during this transitional time and became that much more in-tune with my mommy instincts.
Self Care.
While I spent most of my time focusing on my son, I quickly lost focus on the importance of taking care of myself. I was at the bottom of my to-do list, if I was on the list at all, that my own health began to suffer. I should note, that while my husband was extremely supportive and helpful with our little man, I wanted to do it all myself - I mean if I stepped away to take a shower and my son cried, I would quickly jump out tend to him. Thankfully, these days I recognize that in order for everything to flow around me, I must be taken care of also. I take quiet time to myself while my husband and son play in the other room or wake up before my son to do something for me.
Seek Community.
It has done me a world of good to bond and connect with other mamas. Their advice has been invaluable to making the transition into motherhood a bit easier. We all need someone to chat with after our parents have gone home and daily life has set in. Even if you can’t meet with them in-person, I’d suggest setting up a time to meet virtually. With the right support the transition to your new role can feel less lonely.
Motherhood has changed me in some of the most beautiful and unexpected ways. I am certainly still ‘me’ but better. I don’t take myself as seriously as I used to, here I have found a beauty in the unpredictable.
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