Ah, the age old question - What message would you send to my younger self?
Wouldn’t we all like to go back and have a chat with the younger versions of ourselves using the perspective we have gained now? We all have key moments in time that stick out as changing points in our lives - for me that was my 20s.
For as long as I can remember, I struggled with indecisiveness and fear of making the wrong decision. Thankfully, that all changed in my twenties. My twenties ushered in a significant change in perspective in many areas but I will focus this article on the following:
It doesn’t matter what they think, be yourself
Do it even if you’re scared - be fearless
My biggest struggle in early adulthood was people-pleasing. I always wanted to do what I felt others wanted me to do - often times placing myself into highly dysfunctional relationships. I now know this was a trauma response to avoid feelings of abandonment and worst yet, isolation. I was also astonished to learn just how many people seek out relationships with people who are like I once was - seeking to benefit from your brokenness. I’d add a less nefarious reason could be that people only get to know the version of yourself, you present instead who you actually are. This is a breeding ground for resentment because you never allow the ‘real you’ the opportunity to be loved.
So why do many of us struggle in this space? Many people struggle with feelings of inadequacy based upon one or more triggering events in their lifetime. Somewhere along the way, you began to repeat this internal mantra that you are not good enough - that if people saw the real, often opinionated version of yourself, you’d be deemed unworthy.
It is our imperfections and willingness to be open with others that creates genuine connections. The ability to be who you really are gives way to self advocacy and finding relationships that are mutually beneficial, instead of one sided. Continue to do the work to be more authentic, people who are well meaning will want you to be the best possible versions of yourself. One question that has helped me is asking myself - Am I considering this because it is something I want to do or because I feel I have to?
Do it even if you’re scared - be fearless
If you can’t be fearless - do it scared. The second largest take away from my twenties was that many of my greatest triumphs ended up being on the other side of my fears. This is not to say that one should be careless about the decisions that impact your life but to take calculated risks. Circling back to my first take away about caring too much about what others think, being fearful of doing something new or different can be related to not wanting to be a failure - and that others will see you have failed.
This, for me, meant going out for that career in a male dominated role that I had zero experience in. I told myself that I would give it my best and made my peace with the idea that if it didn’t pan out, that I would be proud of myself for having tried in the first place. Fast forward to today and I am grateful for that leap of faith over fear - I not only landed on my feet but I am thriving.
Being fearless takes practice. Think of that big thing you want to achieve in life. Educate yourself and map out a plan to get there. Set yourself up well by knowing as much as you can - then leap! Although frightening, execute on the plan you created and pivot as needed.
Coming into your own can be daunting but what a beautiful right of passive to grow through the things you go through. It is often looking back that we see just how instrumental the various stages of life experiences are to whole people we are today.
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