People-pleasing is a topic that comes up often as many people suffer with over extending themselves to help others, even when it’s to their own detriment - leaving them feeling depleted and unloved. People-pleasing, or as Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D aptly coined it ‘the disease to please’,
in her same titled book,The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome, begins with your thoughts of self.
In the opening pages of the book the author offers the reader the opportunity to take a quiz to assist with determining if you are, in fact, a people pleaser. The book goes on to clarify, based upon your responses to the quiz, why you may be a people pleaser - whether that be due to your mindset, habits, feelings or a combination of all three. After delving into these topics further, the reader is provided a 21-day action plan to turn your people-please life around.
While many feel that being a people-pleaser makes their more lovable, these behaviors, as a result, can become detrimental to your mental and physical health by making you more vulnerable to mistreatment.
Why do some struggle with people-pleasing?
Generally, people-pleasers struggle with the fear of rejection or abandonment, often tracing back to childhood. These children seek to maintain closeness with their caregivers, that are inconsistently available to them emotionally. This can go as far as the child taking on the role of caregiver, in that they protect or care for the emotional wellbeing of the adult. This upbringing presents itself in adulthood in the form of people-pleasing, where the now adult continues to use tools that are no longer required for survival.
How do you break the cycle?
You must become ok with the potential of not being liked! You are not going to be everyone’s cup of tea - welcome the initial discomfort that brings you. Learning to become less confrontation avoidant and embracing the discomfort that constructive disagreements bring, can lend itself to increased realization of the people you truly want to be surrounded by. Here are some thoughts to ponder to get you started:
How do I make myself a priority?
Where can I set better boundaries?
Remember you cannot please everyone.
Challenge your intrusive thoughts.
Breaking the cycle of people-pleasing requires intentional work to correct coping mechanisms you’ve developed early on. Start by identifying why you may struggle in this space. The tools provided in the book listed above have been useful to many on this journey.
Baiker,H.B.(2000). The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome. McGraw Hill.
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