In October 2019, after much discussion, my husband and I decided as a couple that we would stop preventing pregnancy and see “what happened”.
I woke up one morning in late December of that same year feeling extremely nauseous, so I went out and bought a pregnancy test. In our downstairs bathroom I took the test and anxiously awaited the results. After what felt like an eternity, the timer beeped - I was pregnant!
I remember the rush of emotions flowing through me as I stared at the test. I immediately sent a text to my husband, who was at work at the time, to call me ASAP! 911! I had something I needed to tell him. The anticipation of waiting for his call was killing me, I had to tell someone right then, so I called my sister and screamed into the phone as we shared the excitement of this amazing news. Shortly after I got off the call with her, hubby called and we shared the excitement of the news together. What we prayed for was really happening. We were going to be parents.
A few days later, wearing matching pajamas we drove to his family's house for their annual Christmas Eve party. Pulling into their driveway my husband said “ I want to tell everyone that you’re pregnant. What do you think?”
We had already gotten confirmation of the pregnancy at my OBGYN’s office. I remember my OB saying as she looked back at me from the sonogram machine. “Yep, you guys are going to be parents! You see that movement there? - that’s baby’s heartbeat.” Tears rolling down my face, I was on top of the world.
Just before getting out the car I told my husband, in answer to his question “ Why not, what’s the harm?”. We couldn’t get inside quickly enough before he made the announcement in front of all the family that was there. They were all so happy for us, especially his mom. This was a day I’m sure she had looked forward to for a long time. Life continued pretty normally after that day, unless you consider all the pregnancy symptoms l was feeling, nausea being the most prominent.
We were fast approaching Valentine’s Day 2020 and I could hear hubby from the next room calling to make reservations for my favorite restaurant at the time, North. The next day we headed to our 12 week appointment with my OBGYN. We were excited! Laying back on the table she started the process to view our baby on the sonogram. I distinctly remember her face dropping a bit as she moved the probe around - 10 seconds, 20 seconds followed by more searching. She slowly turned to us with pain written across her face as she uttered “ I can’t find the heartbeat.” I began to cry instantly as I reached for my husband’s hand. The doctor apologized and tried her best to explain to me medically what had happened. At that moment I disconnected from reality and began to converse internally with myself - 'What did I do wrong? Had I been eating properly and getting enough sleep? Did I take on too much stress at work?' - I was lost, devastated.
Over the next 2 days, I got second and third opinions at various other offices because surely our baby was still there, the machine just wasn’t working properly. I didn’t want to let go. On the final opinion, my OBGYN sent me to the maternal fetal medicine (MFM) office to see a peer of hers. The MFM doctor came into the room sat directly in front of me and grabbed my hand. She said “ I’m sorry to confirm that the pregnancy has terminated. I want you to know this isn’t your fault. You could not have done anything to prevent this. I want you to know that you will be a mom some day”. She continued on to tell me her story of multiple miscarriages and what she had done to survive those heartbreaking times. I felt seen.
In the weeks to follow my feelings and state of mind could be best described as being on an elevator. Monday I was in the basement, unable to focus or catch my breath from crying. Wednesday I was on the fifth floor up taking a shower and even putting a smile on for others. Friday I was in the basement again. People tried their best and failed miserably to say the right things to me during that time. Nothing could be said to make sense of why, why my baby, why me. But God was merciful. Just when I thought I couldn't go on a friend of mine text saying in part “There are no true words for comfort. Just know you will get through this. One thing that helped me is the understanding that no matter what happens in life, the sun will rise and fall the same way every day.”
I not sure I ever told her just how much those words meant to me. Words that could only be spoken from experiencing it herself.
Day by day I began to pick up the pieces. I’m doing so much better today and happy to proclaim that God blessed my husband and I with the most beautiful baby boy in December 2020. I will never forget our Angel baby. My heart will always hold a place for them. And for whatever reason, their short time being mine had to be a part of my journey.
For those that this story resonates with, I can only pray that you know this is not your fault. - read that again! Your grief is real no matter how early you experienced the loss. Give yourself grace as you heal - it is not a linear path. Sharing your feelings with your partner, trusted confidant or therapist may provide comfort, but not wanting to share is ok, as well. Praying along with you for your rainbow.
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