I used to relish at the idea of being the girl that everyone considered to be an amazing friend. You know, the one that is always there when you need them. It wasn’t until much later in life that I learned I wasn’t being much of a friend to myself, let alone getting the same friendship from others in return.
Now being a recovered people-pleaser, I found that I was often shrinking myself to fit into places, friendships that ultimately were one directional. I would go along to get along, instead of standing strong in who I knew I was and letting that authenticity guide me to the friendships I needed.
I found myself reading numerous self-help books that would discuss at length about the importance of “finding people you align with” and I’d roll my eyes at the thought of those sort of phrases. Heck! If I knew how to do that I wouldn’t be reading this book.
Although factual and well-meaning, I wasn’t effective at putting this advice into action because I hadn’t done the work to know who I was - and what that realization of self would require from people I chose to share my life with. After doing the internal work, I felt more ready to address my support group.
I can proudly proclaim, that while my friend circle is certainly smaller than it used to be, it’s fruitful. The ladies that I have chosen to do life with understand all the weird things that make me, me and love me for it. What a beautiful feeling. We joke all the time that if folks could read our chats, they'd think we were crazy.
Finding adults friends can be a daunting task but here are 4 tips I used to find my tribe:
Identify what you need from your friendships
Understand that friendships will come and go and your needs from these friendships will change with time. The most important piece of finding authentic friendships is the ability to be your authentic self around a person. A good friend shows you through their actions that they value having you in their life. This is not meant to be an exhaustive list but a good friend is: supportive, respectful - there not only for the highs, but also the lows, trustworthy, etc.
It’s important to set healthy boundaries upfront
Find friends in places that you frequent most often
Are you headed in the same direction, or can you support each other’s different paths
In a future article, along this same topic, we’ll discuss why friendships must evolve and even dissolve over time.
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