As the saying goes, ‘when you know better, you do better’ - this was certainly the case for me. When we first start out in life we don’t always possess the tools to create a fulfilling, healthy life, especially when those behaviors were not appropriately modeled in our upbringing. I’d go further to add that maybe we don’t always see our unhealthy habits in the way that those around us experience them, being in relationship with us.

In early adulthood, I began to experience the negative outcomes of not possessing the tools that would serve me well in life - I was burned out and resentful. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why it was that I felt I was putting so much positivity out in the world and not getting it back in return. Why was it that I was always the supportive friend but it was silent when I was in need? I wanted different. I set out for what, in retrospect, would be a lifelong journey to finding out more about me.

Change not only requires the adoption of new behaviors but also the letting go of the old habits, that no longer serve you. This work toward a more healthy self, will require that you show up for yourself differently than you have before. You will need to hold yourself accountable for the life you want.

Stop People-pleasing

The first on my list of habits that required unlearning was people-pleasing. I hated confrontation. My need to keep the peace came at the price of not always getting my needs met or even feeling heard. Couple that with the overwhelm that comes with always being a ‘yes’ person. If a friend or family member even remotely hinted at needing my support, I would throw myself head first into solving the problem for them - taking on all the stress for delivering them a positive outcome, while they were able to rest knowing that I would get it done.

Fast forward to today, I learned the benefits of having personal limits on my time and energy. Learning to say ‘no’ and advocate for my own needs has been essential to my happiness. Confrontation doesn’t have to be this overwhelming, emotion filled moment in time. Having the ability to plainly state your expectations, turning down requests that are outside your capacity, can create space for your own mental well-being.

Move On Without the Apology

Accept the apology you never received and move on with your life. Don't allow your life to be held up by waiting for someone to be sorry for how they treated you. Often, we waste so much time replaying the situation in our minds, long after the offending person has moved on with their lives. They are not staying up late at night thinking about their actions and neither should you. So often we think our healing requires an acknowledgement of their wrongdoing and in a perfect world, people would be accountable for how their actions impact others. The reality, however, is that they lack the emotional maturity or even sometimes the awareness to provide that accountability. The lesson for you is to do the work to heal and move ahead with your life, even if the apology is never truly received.

Work Smarter, Not Harder

I have never been a fan of chaos but as a college student I got into this unhealthy cycle of waiting until the last minute to get school assignments done. I mean, I would write some of my best papers within hours of the 12 AM deadline to upload to my professor. This behavior translated to life outside of college as well, in those early adult years. I still stand by this theory, that you can get a ton done with minimal time, but the stress was not sustainable.

It has been my experience that a well laid out plan allows me to keep my stress levels in mind, while simultaneously getting the most out of my day. Where I can help it, there are no more self-imposed high stress timelines. Instead of chaos, I try to be thoughtful about managing my time effectively to complete life requirements. This, in turn, frees up time to relax and be present in this amazing life, I have worked so hard to build.

Boundaries Are a Necessity

You teach people how to treat you! If you don’t like the way you are being treated, you need to implement rules for how you will interact with others - and they with you. Peace and stability in your life is maintained by understanding your needs and expressing them in a healthy way to others. I’d add, that you should expect the same from them. In the past, I would spend hours trying to understand why this one treated me this way or how that one could be so selfish. The answer was simple is - because I allowed it! I allowed it, either by not addressing the conflict head on or continuing to remain in the same situation, long after that person showed they were incapable of doing what I needed.

Circling back to people-pleasing, you are not being anyone’s friend, let alone your own advocate, by not being clear about what you require. Setting boundaries for how you want to be treated, amongst other things, can help you to avoid conflict and maintain valuable relationships.

Making change requires substantial internal work to unlearn those not so good for you habits but your future self deserves it. If you find yourself with more than one habit to address, I’d encourage you to tackle them one at a time, building upon the success achieved along the way.